Boundaries - why they're important and how to create them

I was talking with a neighbor the other day and she told me she was getting ready to take her first “unplugged” vacation in 4 years.  Come again, what??  Well, you see, her boss will let her take “vacations” but he expects her to have her phone with her and be on call like usual to take care of her clients.  So, yes - she may travel, but she’s never able to truly vacate and unplug. 

What a drag!  One of the great things about being self-employed is that we don’t have to deal with bosses making unreasonable expectations of us.  We have the power to make our own schedules and create our own boundaries, right? But how many of us actually do that?  

The catch 22 is that as self-employed designers, we are often worse about boundaries than the worst overbearing boss.  We work all hours of the day and night.  We meet with clients on the weekend.  We answer client texts while on vacation.  Are we seeing a theme here? It’s all about boundaries!   

Believe me, I understand.  As a card-carrying people pleaser, my first instinct is to say “yes” to whatever my clients request of me, whenever they request it.  But what I found over time is this led to more and more resentment, frustration and even anger toward my clients.  I started to hate my work, and I came to realize that it wasn’t my client’s job to take care of me or respect my personal time and space.  That was up to me.  I had to put on my big girl pants and learn how to establish my own boundaries.  

And you know what? Once I did that everything changed.  I thought my clients would think I was being difficult, but just the opposite happened.  When I clearly and firmly established my boundaries at the start of my projects, I found my clients not only respected my boundaries, but they respected me as well.  I was actually showing up looking more professional, feeling more confident,  and my clients responded to that in kind.  It’s truly life changing, and what I’ve come to believe is an important part of maturing as a designer. 

Here are some tips for creating and maintaining boundaries of your own!  

#1 - Mindset

The first thing is to remember that only you can create a boundary.  Remember that as a fully grown adult,  it isn’t anyone else’s job to take care of you or respect your time.  It’s your job to identify what you will and won’t do in your business, and communicate that to your clients.  

Even though it doesn’t feel like it, it’s important to remember that boundaries are not about them, they are about you.  When something is happening, it feels like it’s them - after all, THEY are the ones doing this thing to you!  

But the opposite is actually true - boundaries are actually about YOU.  YOU are the one getting annoyed by the behavior.  This is about you doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, not about controlling anyone else.  

That’s what’s empowering about a boundary - you don’t need to control anyone else - it’s all about you deciding what you will and won’t put up with, and deciding what you will do to take care of yourself.  It’s such an act of self-love!  

#2 Notice

There’s no one size fits all when it comes to boundaries.  Maybe you love meeting with clients in the evenings because it gets you out of the house, but you hate it when they text you on the weekends - only you can know this.  

So how can you tell if you need to establish a boundary?  It’s easy if you just pay attention and notice the next time you find yourself feeling annoyed, resentful or even angry toward your clients - that’s a pretty sure sign one of your boundaries has been crossed.  

Are you complaining to your partner or friends about how that client texted you on the weekend again - ugh!  That’s a pretty sure sign you need to establish a boundary there.  

Just notice.  Notice those times when you feel like someone else is forcing you to do something you don’t want to do, or like you have to do something against your will.  Stop and consider - do you really? Why do you feel like you have to do this?  This feeling of annoyance is actually your friend - it is a little voice inside of you telling you a boundary has been crossed and you need to stick up for yourself.  

#3 Decide

The next step is to sit down and really decide what your boundaries are going to be.  Again, a good place to start is by reflecting on the things your clients do that really drive you crazy.  All the times they do something and you feel that flare of frustration or even anger, like they should just know that isn’t okay…. Bingo!  That’s a new item for your boundary list.  Write it all down. 

Once you have a good list going, decide what you are going to do to enforce those boundaries.  Are you going to set clear office hours and stop answering texts, calls and emails after hours? Are you going to stop meeting nights and weekends, and only meet during office hours instead (your lawyer has no problem with this, by the way!).  

What will you do if a client ignores a boundary?  How will you take care of yourself in that situation?  Think through these common scenarios and decide in advance how you will handle them, so you don’t crumble the first time someone ignores or pushes a boundary. 

#4 Communicate

The best time to communicate your boundaries to your clients is at the very start of the project.  At this point, you are simply communicating your standard business practices with your clients.  Consider writing up a “welcome” document where you lay the groundwork and set up expectations.  

• Instead of focusing on what you won’t do, focus on what you will do.  For example, instead of saying you don’t do weekend meetings, tell them what your office hours are and clarify that you only conduct meetings during those times.  Keep it positive whenever possible.  
  • For example, instead of saying “I won’t answer texts or on the weekends” you can simply say, “Our office hours are M-F, 9-5.  All meetings and communications will take place during those hours.  Emails, texts etc.  received after hours will be returned during business hours.  All calls, text, emails etc. will be returned within 24 hours.”  [fill in the blank with your preferred hours, response time, etc.]

When you set up a document like this at the start of a project  - and make sure you verbally go over it with your client - it’s really clear it has nothing to do with them.  You are simply letting them know how your office works.  You’re not apologizing or explaining - don’t show any weakness here - clients can sense it!  Stay strong and simply state how you work with your best poker face.   They can take it or leave it - if this is not going to be okay with them, that’s a red flag you have a client who is not going to respect your boundaries and you’re not going to be a good fit to work together.  

#5 Follow through

Any time you need to enforce a boundary, make it about you, not them.  Don’t say - “you did this, and it’s not okay - you need to do this differently.”   Instead, as much as you can, depersonalize it and make it about how your office does business. 

For instance, you get a text from a client on the weekend.  You can simply not respond, or send a friendly text that says, “I just saw this text from you.  In our office, we return texts during office hours. I look forward to connecting with you on Monday.”  You’re not telling them not to text you - they can text away. But they’re not going to get a response from you until Monday. Be friendly but firm - that’s your boundary.  

Some additional tips for setting boundaries in your kitchen and bath or interior design business:

1. Don’t forget to turn on an out of office email responder while you’re on vacation and be sure to announce your vacation far in advance to your clients so they know to get whatever they need from you well in advance of you leaving.  
2. If clients contacting you on the weekends is a problem, you can approach your weekends like mini-vacations and set up an auto-responder for that time too.  Check in on Friday and explain you’ll be out of the office for the weekend and see if they need anything in advance, and that you look forward to connecting with them on Monday.  
3. State your office hours and policy about returning calls (such as on the next business day, etc.) on your outgoing voicemail message.  
4. Consider setting up a separate google voice number to be your “office number” and stop giving out your personal cell phone number to clients.  The google voice number will forward to your regular cell phone, but you can set office hours so calls and texts are essentially blocked after hours, giving you your nights and weekends back.  I did this a few years ago and it’s amazing.  

Most of all, I want to encourage you to remember that you are a professional and you are more likely to get your clients respect when you remember to establish and communicate your boundaries (i.e office policies!).   This has been one of the hardest things for me to do as a card-carrying people-pleaser, but I’ve found that as I practice creating and maintaining boundaries it has become easier and easier over time.  It builds on itself and increases confidence. 

As you get good at establishing your own boundaries in the areas that are important to you, you'll find yourself enjoying your work and your clients more and more, and complaining about them less and less!  It’s truly a wonderful way to work!